Within the intimacy of marriage, a couple may at some time experience a very intrusive emotion that can threaten the very foundation of their union. Jealousy and trust issues can be triggered by concerns with long working hours, extensive travel, and relationships within jobs, friendships, businesses, and hobbies. Any prolonged and concentrated interest that takes away the presence of one spouse from the other can disrupt the harmony of a marriage. Growing suspicions form an atmosphere of doubt and control that jeopardizes the tender growth of love and friendship between one another in marriage.
We discovered early in our marriage that trust, like love, is a gift — a delightful, valued treasure we choose to give each other. Trust does not always come automatically when the wedding vows are declared. Our ignoring or refusing to talk about problems or feelings can lead to further trust issues and deeper resentment. Lasting trust comes with honesty, understanding, and forgiveness.
Webster’s Dictionary says trust is
“a firm belief or confidence in the honesty, integrity, reliability, justice, character, etc. of another person or thing.” Jealousy is “an emotion typically referring to the thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, concern, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of status or something of great personal value, particularly in reference to a human connection.”
True biblical love always protects and builds one another up, but unharnessed and unleashed jealousy demolishes the trust of those we love. Jealousy has been described as a fire, a flame that burns, a cruelty that kills and destroys. Song of Solomon 8:6b says: “… jealousy is cruel as the grave: the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame.” William Shakespeare wrote in Othello,
“Oh, beware, my lord, of jealousy! It is the green-eyed monster which doth mock the meat it feeds on.”
An emotionally healthy person refuses to be controlled by the jealousy of another. However, not all jealousy is bad. Often the Bible states that God’s love for us is a jealous love. Henri J. M. Nouwen writes, “Yes, God is a jealous God, but God’s jealousy is not filled with possessiveness and suspicion, as is our human jealousy. There is not a tinge of hatred, resentment, or revenge in God. God loves us with a perfect love, a love that casts out all fear and allows us to approach God and his people in complete freedom.”
Beth and I established our own personal boundaries to keep relational intruders from potentially invading our marriage. Some of the physical boundaries we created simply included avoiding travel, eating meals, or meeting privately with others of the opposite sex. Other boundaries included refraining from suggestive innuendos, teasing, or inappropriate touching of others. Some emotional boundaries involved our refusing to share feelings of hurt, pain, or personal problems with others as well as resisting complaints and mocking or disrespecting our spouse. God warns us to keep even the appearance of our behavior pure and holy and above reproach. First Thessalonians 5:22 says:
“Abstain from evil [shrink from it and keep aloof from it] in whatever form or whatever kind it may be.”
Within the perceived, private nature of cyberspace — emails, Facebook, texting, chat rooms, digital pictures — outside relationships can invite seductive, uncensored, and often uninhibited familiarity with others of the opposite sex. Sometimes memories of prior relationships, fantasizing, and imaginations allow past experiences to deceive and distort our reality. Often thinking we are in control of these relationships, Satan happily encourages us with rationalizations to believe these lies. Unfortunately and often too late, we may face disastrous outcomes of these breaches in our marriage when passion becomes a “roaring lion” that seeks to destroy our trust in each other. When strong, personal boundaries are in place, the occasional indiscretion can be prevented and the marriage relationship strengthens and remains in its primary position above all others. See “How to Fire Proof Your Marriage” on the next page.
How to Fireproof Your Marriage Developing strong boundaries for your marriage might include:
• Keeping away from any appearance of immorality. Refuse to spend time alone with someone of the opposite sex without advance permission from our spouse.
• Confessing sexual temptations early. Make our conversations with each other safe. Listen and focus, not on what tempted the other, but on what can be done to repair our trust in each other. Seek outside counseling for help when unable to bridge difficult issues.
• Repairing any rifts before the relationship is beyond repair. Allow sharing “red flags” with each other — these are observations our partner might see in a relationship we might not be aware of.
• Keep listening, talking, and forgiving. Establish good personal boundaries to create a refuge where we can taste the glorious freedom of oneness with each other. Marriage is delightful and full of joy when kept within the gardens of our own house.
Good communication builds bridges for trust and intimacy to intersect. Jealousy destroys trust by creating suspicion and leading to the eventual death of a relationship. Only we as a couple can make these choices personally. No one else will set up our boundaries to protect our marriage. No one else will benefit from these protections but ourselves and our family says it best,
“Oh, the comfort…of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pour them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and, then, with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away.”
Centrepoint Articles of Encouragement – Summer 2017 – Ron & Beth Wells